A Mobile Workforce

Over a year ago I was told that I would be receiving a laptop computer. You see, during the Great Pandemic Bird Flu scare of 2006, all government entities were directed to come up with what they call a Continuity of Operations Plan (COOP) - a backup plan to keep everything running in case something catastrophic happens. My boss and I were deemed "essential" employees (hah!), meaning that if some doomsday event hits, we still have to come to work so that the FederalEntity can keep running. What our FederalEntity would do during such a doomsday event is beyond me... Regardless, in the case of a pandemic flu they advise everyone to stay locked up in their homes. If this ever happens, my entire staff has been picked as being "important" enough to be forced to work from home, so the Government has to supply us with computers.

Thus began our great quest to get laptops. The laptops were ordered by the IT staff from a technology vendor that gave them a great price quote. But alas, the deal could not be completed because that vendor was not approved to sell computers to the Federal Government. Apparently there is some list of approved vendors, and they were not on it. Instead of finding a new vendor to buy the laptops from, the IT folks just waited until the original vendor found a way to get onto the approved vendor list (6 months).

The computers were finally ordered and paid for, but then they were on back-order so we had to wait for them to be shipped (2 months). When they arrived in our office, our IT chief took them to load them up with the proper software. There they sat (4 months), just out of my reach. I assume there were issues with installing the computer programs and setting up the proper firewalls and such, but the IT chief hates my guts so I never bothered to ask him what the delay was. Our precious laptops sat, neglected and unloved, for so long that at one point it was reported that they had been stolen! They were found under a pile of boxes the following week.

Then last week came the good news - we were finally getting our laptops! This event ranks in the top 10 greatest letdowns of my life. After such a build-up – over a year! - I was thoroughly disappointed when I finally got it in my hands. I was hoping for a sweet new Mac (nope) or maybe even a sleek little Dell Notebook (nope), but instead my laptop is a huge, clunky 14" Acer. Acer is the generic crapbox computer - it's what you'd get if you crossed an iBook with a refrigerator. They couldn’t GIVE these things out to poor children in Africa. A total bummer!

The icing on the cake: as I was handed my laptop, I was told that I couldn't bring it home yet! I needed to get a "property pass" first. To get a property pass, you have to provide a receipt to prove that the Government owns the item in question. And of course, the receipts for our laptops had been lost! So close I could taste it!

Yesterday, I finally received my property pass and after a process that took over a year (glad that whole pandemic flu thing didn't pan out, huh?), I'm get to bring my laptop home today! I'm fully convinced that once I get it home, I will have password issues and I won't be able to connect to any of our systems or servers. Essentially, it will be a paperweight. But at least I HAVE it, that's what matters, right? And lets be honest, I'm never actually gonna use it to do work…

I am a highly-trained professional!

My boss has been gone for the last two weeks. She has been in training. While I don't mind being unsupervised, I think the "training" thing has gotten out of hand in the Federal Government.

My cubicle walls are completely covered in certificates I have received for completing a multitude of training courses over the past two years. Some of them are useful - "Grants Training", "Advanced Microsoft Excel", "Dale Carnegie Public Speaking" (great class by the way). Some of them are annoying but necessary - "IT Security Awareness", "Public Records Keeping". Some are downright absurd - "Motivated Meetings" training... "Email" training... "Ethics" training... "Tribal Governments Management" training! My FederalEntity has NOTHING to do with Tribal governments, but they offered it on golearn.gov, so I took it.

After breezing through 20 screens of an online module and answering 5 true/false questions, I'm officially trained in both the unbelievably specific field of "ethics" AND the ever-politically sensitive arena of "tribal government management"! Who knew it was so easy? I figure I must be half way to my PhD from University of Phoenix Online.

There are two positive aspects regarding Federal training that, in fairness, I must highlight:

1. The Government cannot pay to enroll an employee in graduate school. However, the Government can pay for individual graduate school classes under the guise of "training". As long as the classes can be related in some way to the mission of the paying FederalEntity (note: the classes don't have to relate to one's specific job function, just the overall FederalEntity mission), the Government can pay for your classes. Some offices will only pay for 2-3 classes a year, others are more generous with their training money. Some will even give you administrative leave (extra vacation) so you can get your homework done! And hey, if you happppppen to get a graduate degree in the process, good for you! But remember the Government cannot, under any circumstances, pay for your graduate degree...

(Side note: I've been thinking about going this route for grad school, but I've resisted so far because it ensures that I will be tied down in this cubicle here for another few years... even for a free graduate degree, it's not worth it.)

2. There are times when I just really need a break from the office. And I'm not talking in the "lets go hide in Starbucks for an hour" way. This is when off-site training is extremely useful - it's like an elementary school field trip. This past Monday, I took a Microsoft Access training class at an off-site location. It was great - they had free pastries, granola bars, soda, cookies, and string cheese - and best of all, I didn't have to go into work at all that day! Nobody in my office even uses MS Access... for anything... ever! A waste of time? No way, man, free granola bars! My coworker once went to a week-long training class in Delaware. He said it was like sleep-away camp, and it included an all-you-can-eat buffet!

So now my cubicle walls are now completely covered in meaningless certificates - there is no space left for my achievements to be displayed. This morning I uncovered 3 more certificates that I needed to hang (CPR training, Emergency Management training, "Honorable Mention" Halloween Costume Contest certificate!), so I taped them to my file cabinet.

My boss jokes that I should list all of these accomplishments on my resume. I used to laugh at the thought until yesterday when I was reviewing job applications from current Federal employees who are trying to get hired onto my staff. One candidate had listed 2 pages worth of these "trainings" in his resume under the heading "Skills & Certifications", including many of the same pointless ones I've taken ("Ethics"!). Not surprising though - this particular candidate was also in the process of getting his PhD... from the University of Phoenix Online. I promise you I am not making this up.

It's a Celebration!

I'm pumped! It's "National American Indian and Alaska Native Heritage Month"!!!! Finalllllllllly. Get your party hats ready!

Stop calling it November! November does not exist! We celebrate NAIANHM!

What the heck am I talking about? Well, the Government has named every month a celebratory month for a different underprivelaged/disadvantaged group. Sounds like a pretty crappy way to make up for destroying / imprisoning / segregating their history and culture over the last 300 years. February is Black History month, we all know that. But I bet you didn't know that November is for the Native Americans and the Eskimos.

The impact for us Feds? Each special month is speckled with numerous speeches, presentations, and a fabulous kick-off and closing ceremony (with free food!). I'm hoping this one will have buffalo burgers and beluga caviar. Ok, maybe I'm being too stereotypical.

Every "month" is also given a preposterous theme that all of the events loosely follow. This month's theme is: "Keeping In Step With the Heartbeat of the Drum as We Unite as One." I cannot make this stuff up. It's really that absurd.

If you are doing the math though, there are way more "disadvantaged" groups of people than months, so sometimes we have to share. For example, October was "National Hispanic Heritage Month" (theme: Hispanic Americans: Making a Positive Impact on American Society!) AND "National Disability Employment Awareness Month" (theme: Workers with disabilities: talent for a winning team!). I wonder who was more pissed, the Hispanics for being lumped with the Disabled or... maybe I shouldn't go there.

Also interesting to note, National Hispanic Heritage Month ran from mid-September to mid-October. I guess any consecutive string of 30 days counts as a month. We celebrated the end of this glorious holiday with an office-wide celebration. On the menu... tacos, burritos, and enchilada pie. Who's stereotypical now? sighhhhhhhhhhhhh.