A Mobile Workforce

Over a year ago I was told that I would be receiving a laptop computer. You see, during the Great Pandemic Bird Flu scare of 2006, all government entities were directed to come up with what they call a Continuity of Operations Plan (COOP) - a backup plan to keep everything running in case something catastrophic happens. My boss and I were deemed "essential" employees (hah!), meaning that if some doomsday event hits, we still have to come to work so that the FederalEntity can keep running. What our FederalEntity would do during such a doomsday event is beyond me... Regardless, in the case of a pandemic flu they advise everyone to stay locked up in their homes. If this ever happens, my entire staff has been picked as being "important" enough to be forced to work from home, so the Government has to supply us with computers.

Thus began our great quest to get laptops. The laptops were ordered by the IT staff from a technology vendor that gave them a great price quote. But alas, the deal could not be completed because that vendor was not approved to sell computers to the Federal Government. Apparently there is some list of approved vendors, and they were not on it. Instead of finding a new vendor to buy the laptops from, the IT folks just waited until the original vendor found a way to get onto the approved vendor list (6 months).

The computers were finally ordered and paid for, but then they were on back-order so we had to wait for them to be shipped (2 months). When they arrived in our office, our IT chief took them to load them up with the proper software. There they sat (4 months), just out of my reach. I assume there were issues with installing the computer programs and setting up the proper firewalls and such, but the IT chief hates my guts so I never bothered to ask him what the delay was. Our precious laptops sat, neglected and unloved, for so long that at one point it was reported that they had been stolen! They were found under a pile of boxes the following week.

Then last week came the good news - we were finally getting our laptops! This event ranks in the top 10 greatest letdowns of my life. After such a build-up – over a year! - I was thoroughly disappointed when I finally got it in my hands. I was hoping for a sweet new Mac (nope) or maybe even a sleek little Dell Notebook (nope), but instead my laptop is a huge, clunky 14" Acer. Acer is the generic crapbox computer - it's what you'd get if you crossed an iBook with a refrigerator. They couldn’t GIVE these things out to poor children in Africa. A total bummer!

The icing on the cake: as I was handed my laptop, I was told that I couldn't bring it home yet! I needed to get a "property pass" first. To get a property pass, you have to provide a receipt to prove that the Government owns the item in question. And of course, the receipts for our laptops had been lost! So close I could taste it!

Yesterday, I finally received my property pass and after a process that took over a year (glad that whole pandemic flu thing didn't pan out, huh?), I'm get to bring my laptop home today! I'm fully convinced that once I get it home, I will have password issues and I won't be able to connect to any of our systems or servers. Essentially, it will be a paperweight. But at least I HAVE it, that's what matters, right? And lets be honest, I'm never actually gonna use it to do work…

I am a highly-trained professional!

My boss has been gone for the last two weeks. She has been in training. While I don't mind being unsupervised, I think the "training" thing has gotten out of hand in the Federal Government.

My cubicle walls are completely covered in certificates I have received for completing a multitude of training courses over the past two years. Some of them are useful - "Grants Training", "Advanced Microsoft Excel", "Dale Carnegie Public Speaking" (great class by the way). Some of them are annoying but necessary - "IT Security Awareness", "Public Records Keeping". Some are downright absurd - "Motivated Meetings" training... "Email" training... "Ethics" training... "Tribal Governments Management" training! My FederalEntity has NOTHING to do with Tribal governments, but they offered it on golearn.gov, so I took it.

After breezing through 20 screens of an online module and answering 5 true/false questions, I'm officially trained in both the unbelievably specific field of "ethics" AND the ever-politically sensitive arena of "tribal government management"! Who knew it was so easy? I figure I must be half way to my PhD from University of Phoenix Online.

There are two positive aspects regarding Federal training that, in fairness, I must highlight:

1. The Government cannot pay to enroll an employee in graduate school. However, the Government can pay for individual graduate school classes under the guise of "training". As long as the classes can be related in some way to the mission of the paying FederalEntity (note: the classes don't have to relate to one's specific job function, just the overall FederalEntity mission), the Government can pay for your classes. Some offices will only pay for 2-3 classes a year, others are more generous with their training money. Some will even give you administrative leave (extra vacation) so you can get your homework done! And hey, if you happppppen to get a graduate degree in the process, good for you! But remember the Government cannot, under any circumstances, pay for your graduate degree...

(Side note: I've been thinking about going this route for grad school, but I've resisted so far because it ensures that I will be tied down in this cubicle here for another few years... even for a free graduate degree, it's not worth it.)

2. There are times when I just really need a break from the office. And I'm not talking in the "lets go hide in Starbucks for an hour" way. This is when off-site training is extremely useful - it's like an elementary school field trip. This past Monday, I took a Microsoft Access training class at an off-site location. It was great - they had free pastries, granola bars, soda, cookies, and string cheese - and best of all, I didn't have to go into work at all that day! Nobody in my office even uses MS Access... for anything... ever! A waste of time? No way, man, free granola bars! My coworker once went to a week-long training class in Delaware. He said it was like sleep-away camp, and it included an all-you-can-eat buffet!

So now my cubicle walls are now completely covered in meaningless certificates - there is no space left for my achievements to be displayed. This morning I uncovered 3 more certificates that I needed to hang (CPR training, Emergency Management training, "Honorable Mention" Halloween Costume Contest certificate!), so I taped them to my file cabinet.

My boss jokes that I should list all of these accomplishments on my resume. I used to laugh at the thought until yesterday when I was reviewing job applications from current Federal employees who are trying to get hired onto my staff. One candidate had listed 2 pages worth of these "trainings" in his resume under the heading "Skills & Certifications", including many of the same pointless ones I've taken ("Ethics"!). Not surprising though - this particular candidate was also in the process of getting his PhD... from the University of Phoenix Online. I promise you I am not making this up.

It's a Celebration!

I'm pumped! It's "National American Indian and Alaska Native Heritage Month"!!!! Finalllllllllly. Get your party hats ready!

Stop calling it November! November does not exist! We celebrate NAIANHM!

What the heck am I talking about? Well, the Government has named every month a celebratory month for a different underprivelaged/disadvantaged group. Sounds like a pretty crappy way to make up for destroying / imprisoning / segregating their history and culture over the last 300 years. February is Black History month, we all know that. But I bet you didn't know that November is for the Native Americans and the Eskimos.

The impact for us Feds? Each special month is speckled with numerous speeches, presentations, and a fabulous kick-off and closing ceremony (with free food!). I'm hoping this one will have buffalo burgers and beluga caviar. Ok, maybe I'm being too stereotypical.

Every "month" is also given a preposterous theme that all of the events loosely follow. This month's theme is: "Keeping In Step With the Heartbeat of the Drum as We Unite as One." I cannot make this stuff up. It's really that absurd.

If you are doing the math though, there are way more "disadvantaged" groups of people than months, so sometimes we have to share. For example, October was "National Hispanic Heritage Month" (theme: Hispanic Americans: Making a Positive Impact on American Society!) AND "National Disability Employment Awareness Month" (theme: Workers with disabilities: talent for a winning team!). I wonder who was more pissed, the Hispanics for being lumped with the Disabled or... maybe I shouldn't go there.

Also interesting to note, National Hispanic Heritage Month ran from mid-September to mid-October. I guess any consecutive string of 30 days counts as a month. We celebrated the end of this glorious holiday with an office-wide celebration. On the menu... tacos, burritos, and enchilada pie. Who's stereotypical now? sighhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Happy New Year!

Today is the 3rd day of the new year. For government employees at least. The Federal fiscal year, unlike the corporate fiscal year, runs from October 1st - September 30th. There's probably some fantastic reason for choosing these dates (just like there's a fantastic reason for daylight savings time...), but I don't know what it is. All I know is that working in a program based office, September was my "busy" month.

I wouldn't say that I was particularly busy though. I had more work than usual, but nothing that I couldn't accomplish during my 40 hour work week. However, everyone around here freaks out during this time of year. They always think that we're on the verge of getting completely hammered with work. Management gives blanket approval for overtime pay, and boy do I seize that opportunity! (Side note: Federal law states that government employees must be compensated for every second of overtime that they are forced to work). I was "forced" to work an extra hour or two almost every day. They even made me work on my day off (9 hours of overtime!). In the past month, I think I logged close to 25 hours of overtime pay, which at time and a half is a pretty sweet deal.

Some of my investment banker friends on Wall Street would be jealous of only having to work 25 extra hours a month. I visited some friends up in NYC this past weekend, many of whom log 80-100 hours every single week at big banks and hedge funds. They grind themselves to death because "the pay is great" blah blah blah... Out of curiosity, I just calculated what my annual government pay would be if I had to work 80 hours every week (40 regular, 40 paid overtime) for an entire year. According to my calculations, I would rake in $131,310.40.

Who says it doesn't pay to work for the government?

Emails!

Today I have received 81 emails!

Of those emails, 5 of them were useless public announcements ("Come to the National Preparedness Month Kickoff Ceremony!"). Another 10 or so were emails that I was pointlessly cc'd on. The remaining 66 emails were all items that I needed to be made aware of, needed to take action on, and/or needed to respond to. No wonder I feel like I'm drowning.

I delete the meaningless emails immediately, but everything else I save in my inbox - you know, just in case. The email system archives everything older than 6 months automatically to a backup server and removes them from the inbox. That's a good thing, because I currently have 4,833 old emails in my inbox, including 737 from my boss (did I mention that he sits right next to me?). Almost 5,000 emails in the last 6 months! That is absurd!

I can't walk away from my desk for more than 10 minutes without returning to an inbox of unread emails. Lunch breaks, same thing. A day off mid-week - it'll take nearly an hour just to wade through everything! One coworker went to Africa for a 2 week family vacation. It took him 4 days just to sift through the sea of "unreads", and he probably only looked at 1/3 of the items sent to him.

It makes me wonder how anything got done around here before we had email. Would I have received 81 phone calls today? 81 carbon-copied memos? Would I have gotten more or less work done? I love technology, don't get me wrong, but 81 emails...

Oh, just checked my inbox, I have received 6 emails in the time it took me to write this post. 87 emails! Sweet!

Goodbye, Motivational Mirror!

Tragedy has just struck the office.

The janitor walking by my cube knocked down and completely shattered my "motivational mirror"! Literally, 2 minutes ago. He's cleaning up the glass as I type.

What is a "motivational mirror" you say? Well, about a year and a half ago, I was given a large, junky mirror by a coworker who was quitting. Being the jerk that I am, I put it in the hallway right outside of my cubicle. I angled the mirror in such a way that anyone walking by my cube would see their own reflection. Then I taped a piece of paper with the phrase "You Are Special!" to the top of the mirror, thinking "boy what a funny jerk I am!"

As it turns out, people loved it... They thought I was being serious! Like I genuinely wanted to let people know that they were special! It got rave reviews from all of the underachievers in the office suite.

My coworker and I decided that we would change the phrase every week or so, and we put up some preposterous stuff: "You Are a Champion!", "Go Get 'Em Tiger!", "You Make A Difference!", "Keep On Truckin'!", "Fight the Power!", "Every Little Bit Counts!", "Smile and Be Happy!", "Enjoy Every Sandwich!". It got to the point where my boss would walk by and ask "What's the next one gonna say?" when we had left one phrase up for too long.

But alas, a chapter in my snootyness has come to a shattering end. With one swing of the garbage bags you were carrying, Mr. Janitor, you ended an era. An era of what, I'm not totally sure. But it was definitely an era.

Meeting and Meetings and Meetings

So my life has recently been overtaken by meetings. I have so many meetings it's disgusting. Some of them are for important work stuff (planning budgets, preparing for Congressional hearings). Some of them are not (what to do in case of the Avian flu!). I am not necessarily upset by these meetings though, because the more time I spend at them, the less time I have to spend sitting at my desk pondering which office supply I could use for the least painful suicide (letter opener or scissors?).

My favorite type of meeting by far is the "Meta-Meeting". Meta-Meetings are meetings ABOUT other meetings. Literally, we'll have a meeting to discuss the list of things that we will choose to discuss at a future meeting. It makes my brain hurt to type that. These meetings are like a dress rehearsal for the real thing, which could be useful if my job was important. Actually no, I take that back, this type of meeting has never proven to be useful.

One time we even had a "Super-Meta-Meeting". Yes, we had a meeting to discuss our agenda for an upcoming meeting, which was a preparatory meeting for another big meeting. A meeting about a meeting about a meeting. I need to take a break.

I love Fridays!

Fridays in the Federal Government are great! My FederalEntity participates in the "compressed work week" schedule. Basically, I work 9 hour days throughout the week and I get every other Friday off. I work 80 hours every 2 weeks when you add it up. And having a 3 day weekend every other week is fantastic. It gives me another night to go out and party (not that I avoid that on work nights anyways...).

On those unfortunate Fridays where I have to come in (like today), I don't have to accomplish anything. In fact, it's nearly impossible to accomplish anything because on any given Friday, 50% of our FederalEntity has off. I'll make a few phone calls to try to handle some issues, and inevitably no one will answer. I'll send some emails and I'll get "out of office" replies. I'll walk to other people's cubes and find only a vast wasteland (well to be fair, its a vast wasteland every day).

Plus, I have off the opposite Friday as my two bosses so there is nobody here to babysit me. I can come in late, take long breaks, leave early, and nobody even notices. In fact, they probably wouldn't even know if I skipped work entirely! I've never had the guts to try that though. Instead I come in, race around the information superhighway, and apply to new jobs. Wait, why do I hate it here again?

To cap it all off, the one email I sent today elicited this response from a coworker in Texas: "We really appreciate all the quick turnaround times you have provided.....I can only imagine how busy you must be right now!"

If he only knew...

Mid-Year Evaluations

Today was one of my favorite days of the year - mid-year evaluation day! I've had 3 of these in my career now, and they have all gone the same way. My staff director has asked me to write up a "list of accomplishments". Yes, that's right, they wanted me to write down everything I've done in the last 6 months, in bullet point form. I thought about creating a long list and throwing in some jokes to see if they would notice (44. managed financial transactions, 45. replaced paper in empty printer, 46. prepared briefing documents for Finance Director, 47. microwaved a Hot Pocket, ham and cheddar, delicious!).

Instead, I just took the writeup that I had used in a previous evaluation, changed the date at the top and submitted it. My staff director didn't realize because she is the 5th staff director I've had in the last 2 years. Yep, the 5th one! Every mid-year and year-end evaluation I've received has been issued by a boss who has known me for less than 3 months.

Mid-year evaluations don't mean anything anyways, it's the year-end ones that really "count". At year-end, you get rated on an ambiguous scale: Outstanding, Exceeds Expectations, Fully Successful, Minimally Satisfactory, Unsatisfactory. Management likes to say that "Fully Successful" is like getting an "A" in a class, and anything above is an "A+++". In reality, a few years ago they did a study and found that a hugely inflated number of government employees were receiving "outstanding" ratings. To cut this back, they put heavy pressure on the staff directors to cut down on the "outstandings". It's a good thing that these ratings aren't tied to our measly performance bonuses because that would make far too much sense...

What would happen, you might ask, if I received a "minimally satisfactory" or even "unsatisfactory" rating? I would be assigned an HR Specialist who would help me to create a "Performance Improvement Plan" (PIP). The PIP would lay out vague and achievable goals that even a blind donkey could fulfill. That way, for my next evaluation I could say "well look how far I've come since last time!". It also helps to ensure that it will be nearly impossible for any manager to fire me.

Luckily, I won't have to worry about PIPs. My last performance rating? Outstanding. Out standing in the rain.

New Phones

Our FederalEntity has begun to implement a new phone system. By 2008 the whole place will be using new Voice over IP (VoIP) phones. They run through the internet, just like Vonage. It's the new, high-tech thing to do so it only makes sense that we spend millions of dollars crapily implementing it.

Everyone will be getting new VoIP phones at their desks. This is great because I still haven't figured out what most of the 20+ buttons on my current (circa 1978) phone do. Maybe it's best I start from scratch. They will be conducting like 50 training sessions on how to operate the new phones. I'll probably go to 2 or 3 of them. Hey, anything beats sitting at my desk.

The best part is they're making the switch desk to desk, person to person. And to mix things up a bit, VoIP users have encountered lots of trouble placing calls to non-VoIP users. Yesterday, anyone who tried to call me using their VoIP phone got a busy signal. And I was the only one in the office, so all of my coworker's voicemails instructed people to call me for assistance. I can only imagine the day when I finally get my new VoIP phone and I try to call my coworker who sits right next to me and it doesn't work. Isn't technology amazing?

Oh also, VoIP phones don't work during a power outage (happens infrequently) or when the network goes down (happens weekly). I think I'll stick to email.

The Beginning

The day begins with a sighhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm almost an hour late to work, but I don't care because my 3 bosses are out today so no one will notice. Unshaven, wrinkled shirt, flip-flops, uncombed hair - I'd look homeless were it not for the Federal Government ID badge snapped to my belt. How did I get this way? Two plus years of working in the Federal Wasteland.

About me: I'm a 24 year old male. I went to a "Prestigious" University. I worked my ass off for four years, graduated with highest honors, and was the top student in my major (if you saw me now you'd think I was lying). After considering a few job offers, I listened to the urgings of my senior thesis advisor and took a job with the Federal Department where I am currently employed. Here I am two years later, working in the project planning office and trying to figure out if I can take a nap underneath my desk without anyone noticing. I bet I can...

About my workplace: For the purposes of this blog (and so I don't get fired) I won't specifically name the Department or Agency or Bureau I work for. I'll just call it "FederalEntity" from here on out. Sneaky of me, huh? Don't whine and complain because I won't tell you who I am or where I work. That information is completely irrelevant - if you just looked at the staff surrounding me here, we could be any other FederalEntity. The missions of each may be different, but from what I've seen, the monkeys running the show are the same everywhere.