Mid-Year Evaluations

Today was one of my favorite days of the year - mid-year evaluation day! I've had 3 of these in my career now, and they have all gone the same way. My staff director has asked me to write up a "list of accomplishments". Yes, that's right, they wanted me to write down everything I've done in the last 6 months, in bullet point form. I thought about creating a long list and throwing in some jokes to see if they would notice (44. managed financial transactions, 45. replaced paper in empty printer, 46. prepared briefing documents for Finance Director, 47. microwaved a Hot Pocket, ham and cheddar, delicious!).

Instead, I just took the writeup that I had used in a previous evaluation, changed the date at the top and submitted it. My staff director didn't realize because she is the 5th staff director I've had in the last 2 years. Yep, the 5th one! Every mid-year and year-end evaluation I've received has been issued by a boss who has known me for less than 3 months.

Mid-year evaluations don't mean anything anyways, it's the year-end ones that really "count". At year-end, you get rated on an ambiguous scale: Outstanding, Exceeds Expectations, Fully Successful, Minimally Satisfactory, Unsatisfactory. Management likes to say that "Fully Successful" is like getting an "A" in a class, and anything above is an "A+++". In reality, a few years ago they did a study and found that a hugely inflated number of government employees were receiving "outstanding" ratings. To cut this back, they put heavy pressure on the staff directors to cut down on the "outstandings". It's a good thing that these ratings aren't tied to our measly performance bonuses because that would make far too much sense...

What would happen, you might ask, if I received a "minimally satisfactory" or even "unsatisfactory" rating? I would be assigned an HR Specialist who would help me to create a "Performance Improvement Plan" (PIP). The PIP would lay out vague and achievable goals that even a blind donkey could fulfill. That way, for my next evaluation I could say "well look how far I've come since last time!". It also helps to ensure that it will be nearly impossible for any manager to fire me.

Luckily, I won't have to worry about PIPs. My last performance rating? Outstanding. Out standing in the rain.

New Phones

Our FederalEntity has begun to implement a new phone system. By 2008 the whole place will be using new Voice over IP (VoIP) phones. They run through the internet, just like Vonage. It's the new, high-tech thing to do so it only makes sense that we spend millions of dollars crapily implementing it.

Everyone will be getting new VoIP phones at their desks. This is great because I still haven't figured out what most of the 20+ buttons on my current (circa 1978) phone do. Maybe it's best I start from scratch. They will be conducting like 50 training sessions on how to operate the new phones. I'll probably go to 2 or 3 of them. Hey, anything beats sitting at my desk.

The best part is they're making the switch desk to desk, person to person. And to mix things up a bit, VoIP users have encountered lots of trouble placing calls to non-VoIP users. Yesterday, anyone who tried to call me using their VoIP phone got a busy signal. And I was the only one in the office, so all of my coworker's voicemails instructed people to call me for assistance. I can only imagine the day when I finally get my new VoIP phone and I try to call my coworker who sits right next to me and it doesn't work. Isn't technology amazing?

Oh also, VoIP phones don't work during a power outage (happens infrequently) or when the network goes down (happens weekly). I think I'll stick to email.

The Beginning

The day begins with a sighhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm almost an hour late to work, but I don't care because my 3 bosses are out today so no one will notice. Unshaven, wrinkled shirt, flip-flops, uncombed hair - I'd look homeless were it not for the Federal Government ID badge snapped to my belt. How did I get this way? Two plus years of working in the Federal Wasteland.

About me: I'm a 24 year old male. I went to a "Prestigious" University. I worked my ass off for four years, graduated with highest honors, and was the top student in my major (if you saw me now you'd think I was lying). After considering a few job offers, I listened to the urgings of my senior thesis advisor and took a job with the Federal Department where I am currently employed. Here I am two years later, working in the project planning office and trying to figure out if I can take a nap underneath my desk without anyone noticing. I bet I can...

About my workplace: For the purposes of this blog (and so I don't get fired) I won't specifically name the Department or Agency or Bureau I work for. I'll just call it "FederalEntity" from here on out. Sneaky of me, huh? Don't whine and complain because I won't tell you who I am or where I work. That information is completely irrelevant - if you just looked at the staff surrounding me here, we could be any other FederalEntity. The missions of each may be different, but from what I've seen, the monkeys running the show are the same everywhere.