Mid-Year Evaluations

Today was one of my favorite days of the year - mid-year evaluation day! I've had 3 of these in my career now, and they have all gone the same way. My staff director has asked me to write up a "list of accomplishments". Yes, that's right, they wanted me to write down everything I've done in the last 6 months, in bullet point form. I thought about creating a long list and throwing in some jokes to see if they would notice (44. managed financial transactions, 45. replaced paper in empty printer, 46. prepared briefing documents for Finance Director, 47. microwaved a Hot Pocket, ham and cheddar, delicious!).

Instead, I just took the writeup that I had used in a previous evaluation, changed the date at the top and submitted it. My staff director didn't realize because she is the 5th staff director I've had in the last 2 years. Yep, the 5th one! Every mid-year and year-end evaluation I've received has been issued by a boss who has known me for less than 3 months.

Mid-year evaluations don't mean anything anyways, it's the year-end ones that really "count". At year-end, you get rated on an ambiguous scale: Outstanding, Exceeds Expectations, Fully Successful, Minimally Satisfactory, Unsatisfactory. Management likes to say that "Fully Successful" is like getting an "A" in a class, and anything above is an "A+++". In reality, a few years ago they did a study and found that a hugely inflated number of government employees were receiving "outstanding" ratings. To cut this back, they put heavy pressure on the staff directors to cut down on the "outstandings". It's a good thing that these ratings aren't tied to our measly performance bonuses because that would make far too much sense...

What would happen, you might ask, if I received a "minimally satisfactory" or even "unsatisfactory" rating? I would be assigned an HR Specialist who would help me to create a "Performance Improvement Plan" (PIP). The PIP would lay out vague and achievable goals that even a blind donkey could fulfill. That way, for my next evaluation I could say "well look how far I've come since last time!". It also helps to ensure that it will be nearly impossible for any manager to fire me.

Luckily, I won't have to worry about PIPs. My last performance rating? Outstanding. Out standing in the rain.