Secretaries

I mentioned in an earlier post that I've had 5 staff directors since I've been here. I've also had 5 secretaries in my office. We don't really need a secretary as far as I'm concerned - we have a Copy Boy who does all of our copies, faxes, and deliveries. The secretary seems to just sit around all day, talking on the phone.

Secretary #1 - She was here when I started. She was young-ish, seldom at her desk, and ALWAYS seemed to be talking to someone on the phone. I used to think that she was really busy with work, but a coworker who sat near her said that all she did was call her friends who were secretaries in other offices and gossip with them. Kind of like how cab drivers are always on the phone with other cab drivers. She would also make bold statements that I never knew how to respond to like: "Sorry I'm moving slow today, I was up until 4am crying and screaming at my boyfriend." Current location: secretary at another FederalEntity.

Secretary #2 - This woman was just downright strange. She always had a weird plastic-clown smile on her face. Whenever you asked her to do something she would say, with a weird plastic-clown smile on her face, that she understood exactly what you wanted and seemed really excited and eager to do it. But then it would take her a long time to complete the task and she would mess it up. She always assumed responsibility for her gaffes at least, and apologized profusely. With a weird plastic-clown smile on her face. I have no idea what she's doing now (birthday parties?).

Secretary #3 - This one was a male and he hated to be called a "secretary". "Executive assistant", he would interject immediately when someone would say the word secretary. He was probably 20 years old. He would eat Five Guys cheeseburgers at least 3 days a week. He also wore some ridiculously office-inappropriate clothing. Like huge sweaters that said "Sean John" in giant bright letters, or saggy jeans and Timberland boots with a chain wallet. He was also a wannabe Slam poet. He left to go back to school, and I am friends with him on Facebook.

Secretary #4 - I don't have much to say about our fourth secretary. In 6 months I don't think I ever heard her say a word. She just sat at her desk looking bored out of her mind and playing solitaire. Seemed pretty miserable to me. Then one day she was gone, never to be spoken of again.

Secretary #5 - Our current secretary. She is a tough cookie (used to be a NYC bus driver). She'll tell you what's what and will make you regret that you ever asked her to do something for you. During this past summer, she would bring her kids in 1-2 days a week and they would just sit in an empty cubicle all day. She leaves scary custody battle lawsuit papers on the printer. I could write pages about how interesting she is, but I'll leave it to this one conversation I had with her on October 31st:

me: Happy Halloween!
secretary: (defiantly) Naaah-uh, I don't celebrate Halloween.
me: (silence)
secretary: I celebrate The Harvest.
me: (puzzled) Uh, well then, Happy Harvest!
secretary: (frustrated) The Harvest is NEXT week.

Tomorrow: Government Non-Religious Holiday Party!

Office Crazies

There are lots of crazy characters working in the Government. And while there are surely crazy people in any office setting, the nut jobs in the Federal Government are 10x crazier because they can't get fired! There's nothing to reel them in - nothing to keep them rooted to reality. The old-timers tend to be especially askew - years of mindless work can destroy one's brain.

For example: there's this one guy in our office who is absurdly territorial. If he's working on a project, he doesn't want anyone to help him or give him feedback out of fear that they might, um, steal his glory I guess. He always wants to know what you're working on - just to be sure that you're not infringing upon his projects. He even gets steaming mad if he's not CC'd on emails are barely pertinent to him. This territoriality spills over into other aspects of office life as well.

He strangely feels that he has the right to leave his dirty dishes in the office kitchen sink for days, and even SCREAMED at my coworker who had the nerve to ask him to wash them (it's HIS sink I guess...). Another time, he yelled at our secretary for printing a very important memo on "HIS" color printer. Our office has 3 color printers in various locations, but in this guy's mind you are only allowed to print to the printer that's nearest to you. Anything else is an infringement of space and property.

The printer incident set me off. We all work for the same boss - I should be able to print to whatever printer I want. And if the color printer near me is broken (which is has been for the last several months), I'm going to have to print elsewhere.

So to get him back, I started printing on "HIS" printer as frequently as possible. Oh, and I would only print pictures of puppies...

I would find the cutest puppy I could on the internet, blow it up in MS Word, and then send a couple of copies to his printer and just leave them there. I did this 3-4 times a week for about a month.

My coworker John was in on the prank towards the end. He sits right near the disputed printer, and every time he would find a puppy picture sitting in the printer bin he'd loudly proclaim "Who keeps printing these damn puppy pictures on our printer?? They're wasting all our toner!" This would inevitably set crazy printer guy off. He would even tack the pictures to the wall right by the printer to serve as a mocking reminder.

Did it teach him a lesson? Probably not. But it taught me a lesson. A lesson I have since forgotten.

Why Me?

I joined the Federal Government at the urging of my senior thesis advisor. She had worked at FederalEntity for 30+ years (in a Regional office) and had thoroughly loved it. I was trying to decide between Government and working for a huge investment/insurance company. I probably made the right choice...

I got into the Government fairly easily. At the time (2005), there was a program called the "Outstanding Scholar" program, which was designed as a simple way to get college seniors into the Federal Government. Something like 60% of the Federal workforce is slated to retire in the next 5 years, so there is a tremendous need to get some new blood in here ASAP.

The "Outstanding Scholar" program worked as such: if you had above a 3.4 GPA from any accredited college or university, you could apply for an "Outstanding Scholar" position. When a person who met the criteria applied, their resume was simply placed in a gigantic binder. Any office that was looking to hire a young person could request this binder, look through it for people they liked, call them up for an interview, and then hire them. No "top 3" lists, no procedural hassles, no red tape! Just look through the book, select who you like, and hire them. I got interviewed by 3 different offices at FederalEntity, was offered a job by 2 of them, and chose to come work at my current location. The process was quite painless!

About a year ago, the "Outstanding Scholar" program went bye-bye. The Government unions sued, saying that the "Outstanding Scholar" program unfairly bypassed veterans and older people (it sure did - that was the beauty of it!). The courts found in the union's favor, and now every young, talented, recent college graduate has to get in line with everyone else in the crapshow that is the Federal hiring process. How often does a college Senior with excellent grades and amazing potential (but little work experience) get ranked above a Veteran who has been a plumber for 30 years? Never.

AN ALTERNATIVE

A good friend of mine from college had a summer internship at a different FederalEntity between his Junior and Senior years. He liked it so much that he wanted to go back and work for them upon graduation. However, his GPA wasn't high enough to be hired by the Government! The hiring manager at FederalEntity refered him to a government contracting company who had contracts with said office. He was hired by the contractor and he now sits in the exact desk in the exact office that he would have occupied if the government could have hired him direcly. The kicker - as a contractor he gets paid $20k more! Since his grades weren't good enough to be hired by the government, he got the exact same job as a contractor and gets paid a lot more! Plus, they have lavish parties and are paying for his grad school!

Coming up tomorrow: Fun office pictures!

An Exercise in Futility

I frequently get asked by friends and acquaintances: "I have a friend who wants a job at FederalEntity. Can I send you their resume?" My answer is always "You can send it to me, but there's absolutely nothing I can do to help them get a job here." Allow me to explain.

When our office has a vacancy, we contact our HR department (notoriously awful), who prepares a vacancy announcement - a generic document that briefly lists what we do and who we are looking to hire. The announcement is sent to the Office of Personnel Management (OPM, a separate FederalEntity) who eventually posts it on USAJobs.gov. Everybody and their mother can then apply to the vacancy with a few clicks of their mouse.

After 2 weeks, the announcement closes on USAJobs.gov. Someone in OPM (on the West Coast, no less...) then takes the hundreds of submitted applications and ranks them on a 100 point scale. You get an automatic 10 bonus points if you are a veteran. For those of you keeping score at home - all of our applicants are ranked based on a vague position description by someone 3 timezones away who has no clue what my office is, what we really do, or what type of person we are hoping to hire!

We've gone through this process 5 times in my 2.5 years here, and each time the list of suggested candidates that we get from OPM is shockingly awful. They supply us with the "top 3" point earners who we have to interview, and if all of these candidates are unsatisfactory, sometimes we can request to see the "next 3" on the list. However, it's extremely difficult (read: impossible) to justify hiring someone from the "next 3" list over someone from the "top 3".

Blah blah blahhhh, what does this all mean? Well, last time around we had an applicant with undergraduate and graduate degrees in physics and applied mathematics from great schools, plus great work experience. For some stupifying reason, she was ranked #4. All of our "top 3" candidates were horrible. Eventually 2 withdrew (found other jobs?), but the guy who was ranked #1 really wanted the job. He had been a plumber for 30 years, had never really used a computer, never worked with Excel (that's all I do all day long), and his writing sample had 13 typos on the first page (including the misspelling of his company's name!). He was ranked #1 partly because I think he "exaggerated" some things on his application, plus he was a veteran. Our request to skip over him to hire the #4 applicant was rejected by OPM. The reason? It was an entry-level job opening, and those skills that we claimed he clearly did not have (computers/excel/writing?) were learnable! We could hire them both if we wanted to, but we couldn't skip #1 and hire just #4.

This was over a year ago, and that vacancy still has not been filled. In 5 tries over 2.5 years, we've only successfully hired 1 new person. In that same timespan, 3 people have retired, quit, or moved to other offices. Ever get the feeling like you're on a sinking ship?

Coming up on Wednesday: How I became a Fed and how my friend didn't.

Too young to die

Yesterday I had a moment where I very briefly but very seriously considered jumping out of a window.

My office is in the process of hiring new people to join our staff. We have several openings that we're trying to fill and a list of about 15 potential candidates. We are giving everyone a 30 minute preliminary phone interview, and we will invite the people who impress us in for an hour-long personal interview.

Yesterday we conducted 5 of these interviews. It's really true what they say - almost everyone on the interview panel makes up their mind about the interviewee within the first 3 minutes. This oftentimes results in the next 27 minutes being quite painful. Bad interviews aside, allow me to recount a moment of Government ridiculousness:

One of the people applying for the permanent Federal job (lets call her Tami) currently works in our office as an outside technology contractor. Tami sits about 8 cubes away from me (she could hear me right now if I were to shout her name). I thought - "Oh great, at least we get to do ONE of these interviews in person rather than over the phone". Au contraire... In the Government hiring process, everything has to be fair and equal! The same staff members have to sit in on all interviews. The exact same list of questions must be asked to all candidates. And yep, if you're doing phone interviews, ALL candidates must be interviewed by phone.

So at 2 p.m. the 4 other members of the hiring panel and I filed into my staff director's office and called up Tami (who was sitting no more than 40 yards away, seriously) for her phone interview. When the half-hour phone interview was up, I walked out of my staff director's office and at the other end of the office suite, I saw just-interviewed-Tami walking out of her office. This moment of absurdity left me completely flustered. I quickly looked away, saw the window, and for 0.00001 second pondered hurling myself through the glass. I imagined myself falling towards my death screaming "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"

Instead, I went to Starbucks. MUCH more on the Federal hiring process coming soon...

It's Official!

Today I released this blog to the general public. I've been working (slowly) on it for a few months, but wanted to get some thoughts written down before telling the whole world.

You may have stumbled upon the Federal Wasteland randomly. Perhaps a friend or coworker sent you the link. Maybe I sent it to you myself. Who knows how the information superhighway works. Regardless, let it be noted here:

1. Everything written here is true. My coworkers read it, so I can't lie.

2. Feel free to pass this blog on to anyone (but refrain from using my real name/workplace if you know it, you know, so I don't get fired...). Actually, let me rephrase that: It is your DUTY as an American to send the link on to everyone you know. Technically, you're paying for it.

3. Also go ahead and make comments if you'd like.

4. Now that I've released it to the public, I'll try to update 1-2 times a week, so check back for more on how your tax dollars are being flushed down the drain!

What's the Password?

I have 16 separate passwords for work. Yes, 16: Computer log-on, network access, email, office instant messenger, voicemail, financial mainframe, financial system, timesheet reporting, electronic pay-stub, web-based data report tool, web-based data storage, financial planning system, travel system, electronic file cabinet, room reservation tool, e-learning site.

I would have no problem with this password overkill if I could use the same password in all sixteen instances. However, some of the passwords listed above have annoying requirements, which oftentimes conflict with others. Some must include a number, a symbol, a capital letter, and no string of consecutive letters that form a word found in a dictionary. Some passwords are numerical only. Some of the passwords are just "assigned" to the user and never change. Some of the passwords are linked to other passwords (so when you change one password, you unwittingly change 3 other passwords without notification). One system briefly had a requirement that passwords be in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. Fourteen of my 16 passwords must be at least 8 characters long, but none can be longer than 10.

When I first started working here, I devised a single password that met all the password requirements for all of the systems. I thought I was a genius! Little did I know that each system has a different "valid for" period, which quickly rendered my super-password useless. Some passwords need to be changed every 6 months, most are valid for 90 days, several expire every 45 days, and 2 of them never have to be changed. These varying timetables, applied over the last 2.5 years on a constantly rotating basis, have led to my passwords becoming really f--d up!

I would say that I currently have 5 major passwords, spread across the various systems. But there's no logic to how I have them grouped. All of my financial passwords are different. All of my Lotus Notes based passwords are different. I literally have no clue what my electronic file cabinet password is (starting 6 months ago we were supposed to save copies of ALL important emails using this system - orders from the President!). To keep it all straight, I have a sheet of paper tucked away in a desk drawer that lists all of my passwords for each system. Yes, I understand that keeping a written list of my passwords right next to my computer defeats the purpose of having passwords and/or rotating passwords so often. But it's way better than forgetting one!

My coworker forgot her password to the financial system this morning. Up to 50% of our day is spent working in this system. She has sent several emails and even called the system helpdesk to try to get her password reset, but as it turns out there are only 2 people in the whole FederalEntity that have the power to do so. One is on vacation today, and the other isn't answering his phone (he's probably out as well). So it looks like she's off the hook on a lot of work until tomorrow. Hmm, now that I think about it, forgetting a password doesn't sound so bad!

A Mobile Workforce

Over a year ago I was told that I would be receiving a laptop computer. You see, during the Great Pandemic Bird Flu scare of 2006, all government entities were directed to come up with what they call a Continuity of Operations Plan (COOP) - a backup plan to keep everything running in case something catastrophic happens. My boss and I were deemed "essential" employees (hah!), meaning that if some doomsday event hits, we still have to come to work so that the FederalEntity can keep running. What our FederalEntity would do during such a doomsday event is beyond me... Regardless, in the case of a pandemic flu they advise everyone to stay locked up in their homes. If this ever happens, my entire staff has been picked as being "important" enough to be forced to work from home, so the Government has to supply us with computers.

Thus began our great quest to get laptops. The laptops were ordered by the IT staff from a technology vendor that gave them a great price quote. But alas, the deal could not be completed because that vendor was not approved to sell computers to the Federal Government. Apparently there is some list of approved vendors, and they were not on it. Instead of finding a new vendor to buy the laptops from, the IT folks just waited until the original vendor found a way to get onto the approved vendor list (6 months).

The computers were finally ordered and paid for, but then they were on back-order so we had to wait for them to be shipped (2 months). When they arrived in our office, our IT chief took them to load them up with the proper software. There they sat (4 months), just out of my reach. I assume there were issues with installing the computer programs and setting up the proper firewalls and such, but the IT chief hates my guts so I never bothered to ask him what the delay was. Our precious laptops sat, neglected and unloved, for so long that at one point it was reported that they had been stolen! They were found under a pile of boxes the following week.

Then last week came the good news - we were finally getting our laptops! This event ranks in the top 10 greatest letdowns of my life. After such a build-up – over a year! - I was thoroughly disappointed when I finally got it in my hands. I was hoping for a sweet new Mac (nope) or maybe even a sleek little Dell Notebook (nope), but instead my laptop is a huge, clunky 14" Acer. Acer is the generic crapbox computer - it's what you'd get if you crossed an iBook with a refrigerator. They couldn’t GIVE these things out to poor children in Africa. A total bummer!

The icing on the cake: as I was handed my laptop, I was told that I couldn't bring it home yet! I needed to get a "property pass" first. To get a property pass, you have to provide a receipt to prove that the Government owns the item in question. And of course, the receipts for our laptops had been lost! So close I could taste it!

Yesterday, I finally received my property pass and after a process that took over a year (glad that whole pandemic flu thing didn't pan out, huh?), I'm get to bring my laptop home today! I'm fully convinced that once I get it home, I will have password issues and I won't be able to connect to any of our systems or servers. Essentially, it will be a paperweight. But at least I HAVE it, that's what matters, right? And lets be honest, I'm never actually gonna use it to do work…

I am a highly-trained professional!

My boss has been gone for the last two weeks. She has been in training. While I don't mind being unsupervised, I think the "training" thing has gotten out of hand in the Federal Government.

My cubicle walls are completely covered in certificates I have received for completing a multitude of training courses over the past two years. Some of them are useful - "Grants Training", "Advanced Microsoft Excel", "Dale Carnegie Public Speaking" (great class by the way). Some of them are annoying but necessary - "IT Security Awareness", "Public Records Keeping". Some are downright absurd - "Motivated Meetings" training... "Email" training... "Ethics" training... "Tribal Governments Management" training! My FederalEntity has NOTHING to do with Tribal governments, but they offered it on golearn.gov, so I took it.

After breezing through 20 screens of an online module and answering 5 true/false questions, I'm officially trained in both the unbelievably specific field of "ethics" AND the ever-politically sensitive arena of "tribal government management"! Who knew it was so easy? I figure I must be half way to my PhD from University of Phoenix Online.

There are two positive aspects regarding Federal training that, in fairness, I must highlight:

1. The Government cannot pay to enroll an employee in graduate school. However, the Government can pay for individual graduate school classes under the guise of "training". As long as the classes can be related in some way to the mission of the paying FederalEntity (note: the classes don't have to relate to one's specific job function, just the overall FederalEntity mission), the Government can pay for your classes. Some offices will only pay for 2-3 classes a year, others are more generous with their training money. Some will even give you administrative leave (extra vacation) so you can get your homework done! And hey, if you happppppen to get a graduate degree in the process, good for you! But remember the Government cannot, under any circumstances, pay for your graduate degree...

(Side note: I've been thinking about going this route for grad school, but I've resisted so far because it ensures that I will be tied down in this cubicle here for another few years... even for a free graduate degree, it's not worth it.)

2. There are times when I just really need a break from the office. And I'm not talking in the "lets go hide in Starbucks for an hour" way. This is when off-site training is extremely useful - it's like an elementary school field trip. This past Monday, I took a Microsoft Access training class at an off-site location. It was great - they had free pastries, granola bars, soda, cookies, and string cheese - and best of all, I didn't have to go into work at all that day! Nobody in my office even uses MS Access... for anything... ever! A waste of time? No way, man, free granola bars! My coworker once went to a week-long training class in Delaware. He said it was like sleep-away camp, and it included an all-you-can-eat buffet!

So now my cubicle walls are now completely covered in meaningless certificates - there is no space left for my achievements to be displayed. This morning I uncovered 3 more certificates that I needed to hang (CPR training, Emergency Management training, "Honorable Mention" Halloween Costume Contest certificate!), so I taped them to my file cabinet.

My boss jokes that I should list all of these accomplishments on my resume. I used to laugh at the thought until yesterday when I was reviewing job applications from current Federal employees who are trying to get hired onto my staff. One candidate had listed 2 pages worth of these "trainings" in his resume under the heading "Skills & Certifications", including many of the same pointless ones I've taken ("Ethics"!). Not surprising though - this particular candidate was also in the process of getting his PhD... from the University of Phoenix Online. I promise you I am not making this up.

It's a Celebration!

I'm pumped! It's "National American Indian and Alaska Native Heritage Month"!!!! Finalllllllllly. Get your party hats ready!

Stop calling it November! November does not exist! We celebrate NAIANHM!

What the heck am I talking about? Well, the Government has named every month a celebratory month for a different underprivelaged/disadvantaged group. Sounds like a pretty crappy way to make up for destroying / imprisoning / segregating their history and culture over the last 300 years. February is Black History month, we all know that. But I bet you didn't know that November is for the Native Americans and the Eskimos.

The impact for us Feds? Each special month is speckled with numerous speeches, presentations, and a fabulous kick-off and closing ceremony (with free food!). I'm hoping this one will have buffalo burgers and beluga caviar. Ok, maybe I'm being too stereotypical.

Every "month" is also given a preposterous theme that all of the events loosely follow. This month's theme is: "Keeping In Step With the Heartbeat of the Drum as We Unite as One." I cannot make this stuff up. It's really that absurd.

If you are doing the math though, there are way more "disadvantaged" groups of people than months, so sometimes we have to share. For example, October was "National Hispanic Heritage Month" (theme: Hispanic Americans: Making a Positive Impact on American Society!) AND "National Disability Employment Awareness Month" (theme: Workers with disabilities: talent for a winning team!). I wonder who was more pissed, the Hispanics for being lumped with the Disabled or... maybe I shouldn't go there.

Also interesting to note, National Hispanic Heritage Month ran from mid-September to mid-October. I guess any consecutive string of 30 days counts as a month. We celebrated the end of this glorious holiday with an office-wide celebration. On the menu... tacos, burritos, and enchilada pie. Who's stereotypical now? sighhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Happy New Year!

Today is the 3rd day of the new year. For government employees at least. The Federal fiscal year, unlike the corporate fiscal year, runs from October 1st - September 30th. There's probably some fantastic reason for choosing these dates (just like there's a fantastic reason for daylight savings time...), but I don't know what it is. All I know is that working in a program based office, September was my "busy" month.

I wouldn't say that I was particularly busy though. I had more work than usual, but nothing that I couldn't accomplish during my 40 hour work week. However, everyone around here freaks out during this time of year. They always think that we're on the verge of getting completely hammered with work. Management gives blanket approval for overtime pay, and boy do I seize that opportunity! (Side note: Federal law states that government employees must be compensated for every second of overtime that they are forced to work). I was "forced" to work an extra hour or two almost every day. They even made me work on my day off (9 hours of overtime!). In the past month, I think I logged close to 25 hours of overtime pay, which at time and a half is a pretty sweet deal.

Some of my investment banker friends on Wall Street would be jealous of only having to work 25 extra hours a month. I visited some friends up in NYC this past weekend, many of whom log 80-100 hours every single week at big banks and hedge funds. They grind themselves to death because "the pay is great" blah blah blah... Out of curiosity, I just calculated what my annual government pay would be if I had to work 80 hours every week (40 regular, 40 paid overtime) for an entire year. According to my calculations, I would rake in $131,310.40.

Who says it doesn't pay to work for the government?

Emails!

Today I have received 81 emails!

Of those emails, 5 of them were useless public announcements ("Come to the National Preparedness Month Kickoff Ceremony!"). Another 10 or so were emails that I was pointlessly cc'd on. The remaining 66 emails were all items that I needed to be made aware of, needed to take action on, and/or needed to respond to. No wonder I feel like I'm drowning.

I delete the meaningless emails immediately, but everything else I save in my inbox - you know, just in case. The email system archives everything older than 6 months automatically to a backup server and removes them from the inbox. That's a good thing, because I currently have 4,833 old emails in my inbox, including 737 from my boss (did I mention that he sits right next to me?). Almost 5,000 emails in the last 6 months! That is absurd!

I can't walk away from my desk for more than 10 minutes without returning to an inbox of unread emails. Lunch breaks, same thing. A day off mid-week - it'll take nearly an hour just to wade through everything! One coworker went to Africa for a 2 week family vacation. It took him 4 days just to sift through the sea of "unreads", and he probably only looked at 1/3 of the items sent to him.

It makes me wonder how anything got done around here before we had email. Would I have received 81 phone calls today? 81 carbon-copied memos? Would I have gotten more or less work done? I love technology, don't get me wrong, but 81 emails...

Oh, just checked my inbox, I have received 6 emails in the time it took me to write this post. 87 emails! Sweet!

Goodbye, Motivational Mirror!

Tragedy has just struck the office.

The janitor walking by my cube knocked down and completely shattered my "motivational mirror"! Literally, 2 minutes ago. He's cleaning up the glass as I type.

What is a "motivational mirror" you say? Well, about a year and a half ago, I was given a large, junky mirror by a coworker who was quitting. Being the jerk that I am, I put it in the hallway right outside of my cubicle. I angled the mirror in such a way that anyone walking by my cube would see their own reflection. Then I taped a piece of paper with the phrase "You Are Special!" to the top of the mirror, thinking "boy what a funny jerk I am!"

As it turns out, people loved it... They thought I was being serious! Like I genuinely wanted to let people know that they were special! It got rave reviews from all of the underachievers in the office suite.

My coworker and I decided that we would change the phrase every week or so, and we put up some preposterous stuff: "You Are a Champion!", "Go Get 'Em Tiger!", "You Make A Difference!", "Keep On Truckin'!", "Fight the Power!", "Every Little Bit Counts!", "Smile and Be Happy!", "Enjoy Every Sandwich!". It got to the point where my boss would walk by and ask "What's the next one gonna say?" when we had left one phrase up for too long.

But alas, a chapter in my snootyness has come to a shattering end. With one swing of the garbage bags you were carrying, Mr. Janitor, you ended an era. An era of what, I'm not totally sure. But it was definitely an era.

Meeting and Meetings and Meetings

So my life has recently been overtaken by meetings. I have so many meetings it's disgusting. Some of them are for important work stuff (planning budgets, preparing for Congressional hearings). Some of them are not (what to do in case of the Avian flu!). I am not necessarily upset by these meetings though, because the more time I spend at them, the less time I have to spend sitting at my desk pondering which office supply I could use for the least painful suicide (letter opener or scissors?).

My favorite type of meeting by far is the "Meta-Meeting". Meta-Meetings are meetings ABOUT other meetings. Literally, we'll have a meeting to discuss the list of things that we will choose to discuss at a future meeting. It makes my brain hurt to type that. These meetings are like a dress rehearsal for the real thing, which could be useful if my job was important. Actually no, I take that back, this type of meeting has never proven to be useful.

One time we even had a "Super-Meta-Meeting". Yes, we had a meeting to discuss our agenda for an upcoming meeting, which was a preparatory meeting for another big meeting. A meeting about a meeting about a meeting. I need to take a break.

I love Fridays!

Fridays in the Federal Government are great! My FederalEntity participates in the "compressed work week" schedule. Basically, I work 9 hour days throughout the week and I get every other Friday off. I work 80 hours every 2 weeks when you add it up. And having a 3 day weekend every other week is fantastic. It gives me another night to go out and party (not that I avoid that on work nights anyways...).

On those unfortunate Fridays where I have to come in (like today), I don't have to accomplish anything. In fact, it's nearly impossible to accomplish anything because on any given Friday, 50% of our FederalEntity has off. I'll make a few phone calls to try to handle some issues, and inevitably no one will answer. I'll send some emails and I'll get "out of office" replies. I'll walk to other people's cubes and find only a vast wasteland (well to be fair, its a vast wasteland every day).

Plus, I have off the opposite Friday as my two bosses so there is nobody here to babysit me. I can come in late, take long breaks, leave early, and nobody even notices. In fact, they probably wouldn't even know if I skipped work entirely! I've never had the guts to try that though. Instead I come in, race around the information superhighway, and apply to new jobs. Wait, why do I hate it here again?

To cap it all off, the one email I sent today elicited this response from a coworker in Texas: "We really appreciate all the quick turnaround times you have provided.....I can only imagine how busy you must be right now!"

If he only knew...

Mid-Year Evaluations

Today was one of my favorite days of the year - mid-year evaluation day! I've had 3 of these in my career now, and they have all gone the same way. My staff director has asked me to write up a "list of accomplishments". Yes, that's right, they wanted me to write down everything I've done in the last 6 months, in bullet point form. I thought about creating a long list and throwing in some jokes to see if they would notice (44. managed financial transactions, 45. replaced paper in empty printer, 46. prepared briefing documents for Finance Director, 47. microwaved a Hot Pocket, ham and cheddar, delicious!).

Instead, I just took the writeup that I had used in a previous evaluation, changed the date at the top and submitted it. My staff director didn't realize because she is the 5th staff director I've had in the last 2 years. Yep, the 5th one! Every mid-year and year-end evaluation I've received has been issued by a boss who has known me for less than 3 months.

Mid-year evaluations don't mean anything anyways, it's the year-end ones that really "count". At year-end, you get rated on an ambiguous scale: Outstanding, Exceeds Expectations, Fully Successful, Minimally Satisfactory, Unsatisfactory. Management likes to say that "Fully Successful" is like getting an "A" in a class, and anything above is an "A+++". In reality, a few years ago they did a study and found that a hugely inflated number of government employees were receiving "outstanding" ratings. To cut this back, they put heavy pressure on the staff directors to cut down on the "outstandings". It's a good thing that these ratings aren't tied to our measly performance bonuses because that would make far too much sense...

What would happen, you might ask, if I received a "minimally satisfactory" or even "unsatisfactory" rating? I would be assigned an HR Specialist who would help me to create a "Performance Improvement Plan" (PIP). The PIP would lay out vague and achievable goals that even a blind donkey could fulfill. That way, for my next evaluation I could say "well look how far I've come since last time!". It also helps to ensure that it will be nearly impossible for any manager to fire me.

Luckily, I won't have to worry about PIPs. My last performance rating? Outstanding. Out standing in the rain.

New Phones

Our FederalEntity has begun to implement a new phone system. By 2008 the whole place will be using new Voice over IP (VoIP) phones. They run through the internet, just like Vonage. It's the new, high-tech thing to do so it only makes sense that we spend millions of dollars crapily implementing it.

Everyone will be getting new VoIP phones at their desks. This is great because I still haven't figured out what most of the 20+ buttons on my current (circa 1978) phone do. Maybe it's best I start from scratch. They will be conducting like 50 training sessions on how to operate the new phones. I'll probably go to 2 or 3 of them. Hey, anything beats sitting at my desk.

The best part is they're making the switch desk to desk, person to person. And to mix things up a bit, VoIP users have encountered lots of trouble placing calls to non-VoIP users. Yesterday, anyone who tried to call me using their VoIP phone got a busy signal. And I was the only one in the office, so all of my coworker's voicemails instructed people to call me for assistance. I can only imagine the day when I finally get my new VoIP phone and I try to call my coworker who sits right next to me and it doesn't work. Isn't technology amazing?

Oh also, VoIP phones don't work during a power outage (happens infrequently) or when the network goes down (happens weekly). I think I'll stick to email.

The Beginning

The day begins with a sighhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm almost an hour late to work, but I don't care because my 3 bosses are out today so no one will notice. Unshaven, wrinkled shirt, flip-flops, uncombed hair - I'd look homeless were it not for the Federal Government ID badge snapped to my belt. How did I get this way? Two plus years of working in the Federal Wasteland.

About me: I'm a 24 year old male. I went to a "Prestigious" University. I worked my ass off for four years, graduated with highest honors, and was the top student in my major (if you saw me now you'd think I was lying). After considering a few job offers, I listened to the urgings of my senior thesis advisor and took a job with the Federal Department where I am currently employed. Here I am two years later, working in the project planning office and trying to figure out if I can take a nap underneath my desk without anyone noticing. I bet I can...

About my workplace: For the purposes of this blog (and so I don't get fired) I won't specifically name the Department or Agency or Bureau I work for. I'll just call it "FederalEntity" from here on out. Sneaky of me, huh? Don't whine and complain because I won't tell you who I am or where I work. That information is completely irrelevant - if you just looked at the staff surrounding me here, we could be any other FederalEntity. The missions of each may be different, but from what I've seen, the monkeys running the show are the same everywhere.