Invincible.

Thanks to all the new readers! Keep spreading the word! And to all you Feds who are reading this, get back to work!

I'd like to share with you the story of my coworker Pauline. Now, there are lots of people here who don't do much work and get paid lots of money. But Pauline's Salary:Work ratio is by far the best (conservatively $135,000 to 0.000001). And she's invincible. Allow me to elaborate.

Pauline was hired as a staff director about 7 years ago. She was a manager of 4-5 employees and was in charge of some pretty high-profile stuff. Trouble was, Pauline wasn't good at her job and she was a terrible manager. She messed up every project she was given. She tortured her staff members. She created havoc for other managers who had to work with her. It was not a good scene. All but one of the employees who worked for her jumped ship after the first 6 months.

The head boss in our office realized that Pauline had to be dealt with. No one throughout the ranks could stand to work with her. So her bosses started going through the motions and collecting the proper information to start the "termination" process. Pauline found this out and ran straight to the Union and the Equal Employment Opportunity folks to file a workplace grievance. Apparently the EEO office and the Union bought the "I didn't do anything, everyone else in the world just hates me!" excuse, and they jumped in to fight for her.

Once the Union and EEO folks get involved, forget about it. The process becomes so bogged down in mediation sessions and union proceedings that the person becomes untouchable. If you fire them, the FederalEntity gets hit with a lawsuit and usually a 6 or 7 figure settlement payout.

The Union negotiated for Pauline and instead of being fired, she was reassigned as a "special assistant". She would continue to work on projects in the office, but would have no managerial responsibilities. And just to avoid future conflicts, they negotiated a clause into Pauline's settlement wherein she could reject any work assignments that she didn't want to do (in case her bosses tried to assign her horrible projects as revenge).

Seven years later, Pauline still works here! She has her own office with a door (which is always closed), but sometimes I see her in the halls. She comes to every holiday party, loads up on food, and then leaves. I'd estimate that she comes in no more than 10 hours a week. The bosses don't give her any work to do because a) she'd just mess it up and b) she would probably just refuse the assignment anyway. Absolutely NOTHING is expected of her. How can she fail when the bar is set at zero? She's invincible!

Don't worry, American taxpayer, she still receives her managerial level GS-15 salary. Actually, be very very worried.