Workplace Safety

Ever have one of those days where you're so stressed out and frustrated that you come close to lashing out at your coworkers? Ever have the fear that your supervisor might catch you at a bad moment and trigger a psychotic episode? Ever have brief lapses of sanity at work where you almost quit on the spot, smash your computer, flip off your boss, and storm out the front door? Well, what if there was an office warning system - a way to inform those around you that you're about to explode so they don't unknowingly trigger a "workplace incident"?

Thanks to my coworker Mac, now there is. I present to you the "Federal Employee Threat Level Advisory System":

(click the image for a higher-res. version that you can print!)

Mac spent the past 8 months stuck in a situation many Feds are all too familiar with - working for absolutely horrible bosses. In Mac's case, his bosses were "spinners". Spinners are bosses who have no clue what's going on, but whenever an issue arises they spin around really fast in a circle, stirring up tons of paper, and making a lot of noise so that it looks like they're doing something. In reality they're just making a huge mess of the situation. They create endless hoops for their staff members to jump through and generally piss off everyone who DOES understand what's going on.

Having incompetent bosses is enough to drive one to the verge of quitting. Having incompetent bosses who can never be fired and will likely be promoted... that's enough to make one go Postal. (Sidenote: Isn't it interesting that the phrase to describe the most extreme act of flipping out on your coworkers, going "Postal", is derived from Federal employees who actually flipped out on their coworkers??). Mac thought it was only fair to inform his coworkers and bosses how close he was to lashing out.

So Mac created the Federal Employee Threat Level Advisory System, and put it right outside of the entryway to his cube. He would mark his status with a magnet, and he would update it throughout the day based on how he was feeling. Normal resting status was "elevated", and quite frequently I saw it reach the "severe" level. It was an amazingly effective way of telling his bosses just how annoyed he was with them. And if a boss saw that he was at "severe", they probably thought twice before pestering him with a pointless assignment.

After 8 months of being managed by a group that was "dumber than monkeys" as he put it, Mac fled to another office. His legacy remains though, as several of my coworkers have adopted the Federal Employee Threat Level Advisory System. And now I'm passing it on to you, gentle reader. Print it out and give it a try! If you're a Fed, you'll find that it works wonders! (Warning: If you work in the private sector, you'll probably be reprimanded or fired.)

Remember, safety is everyone's responsibility!